Certified Car Nut
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Robbinsdale, MN
Thanked 0 Times
Instructions for your new computer (Warning! Wordy...)
Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax XP Multimedia 615X Personal
Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful
service, if you ever get it up and running.
Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software - Lawn
Mowing Planner, Mr. ArtyFarty, Blank Screen Saver, and East Africa Route
Finder - which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most
of your computer'* spare memory.
So turn the page and let'* get started!
Getting ready: Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and
are ready to proceed.
(Important meaningless note: the Anthrax/XP is configured to use 80386,
214J10 or higher processors running at 2,472 Hertz on variable speed spin
cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies before
proceeding. Do not tumble dry.)
To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry environment for your
computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and
examine its contents. (Warning: Do not open box if contents are missing or
faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in
their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a
replacement will be dispatched to you within 12 working months.)
The contents of the box should include some of the following:
* Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button
* Keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex
* Computer unit
* Miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model
* 2,000-page Owner'* Manual
* Short Guide to the Owner'* Manual
* Quick Guide to the Short Guide to the Owner'* Manual
* Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up
* Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid
* 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose
pieces of paper
* 292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.
Something They Didn't Tell You In The Shop: Because of the additional power
needs of the pre-installed bonus software, you will need an Anthrax/XP
auxiliary unit for the memory capacitator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of
additional memory for the oscillator, and an electrical substation.
Setting Up: Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet
acquired a degree in electrical engineering, now is the time to do so.
Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power
off-load unit sub- orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G);
plug three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if
necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio-video lineout jack.
Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will then download. (Allow three to
five days.) When downloading is complete, your screen will say:'Yeah, what?'
Now it is time to install your software. Insert Disk A (marked 'Disk D' or
'Disk G') into Drive Slot B or J, and type. 'Hello! Anybody home?' At the
DOS command prompt, enter your Licence Verification Number. Your Licence
Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number,
which can be found by entering your Licence Verification Number. If you are
unable to find your Licence Verification or Certified User numbers, call the
Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your Licence Verification
and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise
If you have not yet committed suicide, then insert Installation Diskette 1
in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on tour screen.
(Note: Owing to a software modification, some instructions will appear in
Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file path, double click
on the button launch icon, select a single equation default file from the
macro selection register, insert the VGA graphics card in the rear aerofoil,
and type 'C:>' followed by the birthdates of all the people you have ever
Your screen will now say: 'Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?'
Selecting 'Continue' will result in irreversible file compression, permanent
loss of memory and a default overload in the hard drive.
Selecting 'Abort' will require you to start again.
Obviously, select 'Continue'. When the smoke has cleared, insert disk A2
(marked 'Disk Al') and repeat as directed with each of the 187 other disks.
When installation is complete, return to file path, and type your name,
address and credit card numbers, and press 'Send'. This will automatically
register you and allow us to pass your name to lots of computer magazines,
on-line services and other commercial enterprises, which will be getting in
Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer.
Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start.
Writing a Letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with a name of someone you know.
Write a few lines about yourself, and then write, 'Sincerely yours',
followed by your own name.
Saving a File: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose Retrieve from
SubDirectory A, enter a backup file number and place an insertion point
beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from the merge
menu, and double click on the supplementary cleared documentary window.
Assign the tile cascade to a merge file and insert in a text equation box.
Alternatively, write the letter out longhand and put it in a drawer.
Advice on Using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't.
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems with your
computer. Here are some common problems and their solutions.
Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check to make sure the computer is plugged in; check to make sure
the power button is in the 'On' position; check the cables for damage; dig
up underground cables in your garden to check for damage; drive out into the
country and check pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard up the right way.
Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on the spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high-protein diet or call your pet shop support line.
Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Correct - and congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/XP
Turbo model, or go back to pen and paper.
1998 SE Midnight Blue Pearl
Gutted airbox, FRAM AirHog, removed MAF Screen, eBay clear corners, extended brake lights
I'm so much cooler online