How To Treat A Lady
Not every man is born to be a smooth **** like James Bond. Some men need a basic tutorial on how to treat the ladies.
The following are some suggestions to assist those who are often bewildered and confused by women.
Once or twice a month, sneak up behind her and knock her down. Girls are like dogs and love to be roughed up for fun.
Never hesitate to say she'* getting fat...girls love honesty.
When talking to another girl, make sure she sees you. While she is looking at you, grab the other girl'* ***. Girls love competition.
Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Girls love cute nicknames.
Sometimes cheating on your lady is a good way of subtly letting her know she should probably start going to the gym without having to have that whole awkward conversation about weight gain.
Two words: Dutch Oven
Take her to a romantic movie. After a little while, tell her that you're getting some popcorn. Get in the car, go home, turn the phone off, and go to bed. She can think about how stupid chick flicks are during the long cab ride home.
Occasionally, immediately following sexual intercourse, you should tell her "Yeah...I've been sleeping with a lot of hookers recently. You should really get yourself checked out." It'* a nice and graceful way to make sure she keeps up with her regular doctor'* visits.
Offer to take her out to a nice restaurant and drive way out into the middle of nowhere, eventually pulling up next to a burning tire yard. When she gets upset, quickly tell her you were just joking and now you will really go to a restaurant. Instead, drive back home. When she starts freaking out and crying, asking "Why would you do this?" just lean in close and whisper lovingly, "Because I can!"
When she tells you she is going to call her parents, remark as casually as possible: "Don't bother. They aren't available." When she asks how you would know this, simply reply "I killed them. Call them if you don't believe me." You will be entertained at how long she pauses before dialing the number. She will be relieved when she hears her voice on the other end of the line. Everybody wins! Unless, of course, you actually did kill her parents. In which case, that phone call is going to be awkward.
Hopefully some of these suggestions can help all the flustered and confused non-Bonds out there. You're Uncle MOS is always trying to help.
1998 SE Midnight Blue Pearl
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