How To Throw A Party
Throwing a successful party requires attention to detail and a good host who maintains the momentum throughout the evening.
I have compiled a few helpful hints to assist the novice in throwing the kind of party that people will still be talking about weeks and months later.
A party needs a good vibe. The mood must be set for all to encounter upon entering your house. Think about what you intend to achieve for the evening.
For instance, if the goal is a rollicking good time, have a few kegs of beer in the kitchen and a good amount of **** lying around in plain sight. A few of the largest available boxes of condoms (a.k.a. The Kennedy Crate) should be acquired and placed around the house for ease of use.
If the mood is a quiet intellectual soiree, cover the coffee table with arty black-and-white photographs and large books with many pages and long words hidden within. Smoking a pipe couldn't hurt.
Try and make sure that the environment is conducive to the mood you intend to set for the party. It would be inappropriate for a literary function to have three dead hookers in the living room. Obviously, the dead hookers are more suitable for a bachelour party.
The hallmark of a good party is stimulating conversation. Many time an otherwise good party goes straight down the tubes due to a lack of witty banter. Try some of the following lines to rev up your social occasion.
"Wow. It sure is quiet around here. Who wants to touch me?"
"Does anyone else think that the Enlightenment was overrated? Also, stay away from the hors d'oeuvres. I ate a some and afterwards I unleashed the forces of darkness in the bathroom."
If your party is going well, you might find yourself speaking with an attractive lady and desiring to show your interest in her. The following lines work every time.
"It'* your lucky day. I'm judging a Miss Nude Party contest later and there is still time for you to enter."
"You know, its the strangest thing...but I just can't shake the image of you in a beret riding my crotch meat. Do you think we can make that happen?"
Wrapping Things Up
All good things must come to an end. After a few hours, I'm sure will be sick and tired of all these idiots trashing your house. Now is the time to gently prod your guests to move on.
You could try lighting a small fire and announce that everyone should run away. You could also call for silence and then declare, "After all the booze and cocktail weenies, I'm fixing to take a hellacious dump. For your own safety, you should probably leave."
Threats of violence also tend to motivate your guests to head home.
Sometimes a harder line must be drawn for the pesky guests who refuse to take a more subtle hint. In a case like this, use the following statement: "All right. In five minutes I'm going to fight whoever is still here. If you win, you can stay. If I win, I'm gonna **** you in the ***. Now I warn you, I'm a damn good fighter but more to the point, I am horny as hell." Watch as there is a mad stampede towards the door. Unfortunately, you will occasionally have one or two guys stay behind. These guests actually do want it in the butt. If you aren't into that, simply tell them you were joking and then lock yourself in the bathroom until they leave.
I hope these suggestions will help you throw the event of the season. If not, you probably did something wrong. Or maybe your friends just aren't much fun. Possibly, you are an idiot. In any case, MOS95B is not responsible for anything that may happen to anyone who throws any party anywhere. Not even my own parties.
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