How the Beer Scooter works
How many times have you woken up after a night of light drinking and
thought,How did I get home"?
As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the
bar to your home. The answer is that you made the journey on a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport owned and leased by
Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has diversified since the gradual
decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and invested in a large fleet
of these conveyances.
The Beer Scooter works as follows:
The potential passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the
"slurring gland" begins to emit a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors sends down a winged Beer Scooter, scoops the passenger
up,and deposits him/her in his/her bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
The Beer Scooter is an equal-opportunity conveyance and makes no distinction
as to the passenger'* sex.
It is expensive to operate a Beer Scooter franchise, so a large portion of
the passenger'* in-pocket cash is taken in payment.
This generates the second question "How did I spend so much money?"
Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible
for 90% of all UDI'* (Unidentified Drinking Injuries)
Another feature of the Beer Scooter is its destruction of time segments
during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that
sections of time will be unaccounted for.
This generates the third question "What happened?"
With the best of intentions, Bacchus decided on the EMIT (Embarrassing
Moments in Time) option, which automatically removes, in descending order,
those moments in time regretted most. However, one person'* EMIT is not
necessarily the same as another'*, and very often lost time is eventually
Independent studies show that Beer Goggles cause malfunction of the Beer
Scooter'* navigation systems, thus sending the passenger to the wrong
bedroom with often-horrific consequences. (For further details on this
phenomenon, refer to the well-known publication "I've Never Gone to Bed
With An Ugly Bird But I've Woken Up With A Few").
Recent models of the Beer Scooter include a GPS, so Bacchus invested in a
drive-through chain specializing in half-eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Question number four answered!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people'* gardens or municipal flowerbeds, a box of Cadbury'* Dairy
Milk chocolates, and Thump-a-Lot Boots. These boots are so designed that no
matter how quietly you try to tiptoe around, you are certain to wake up your
Special anti-gravity springs ensure you bump into every wall, and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) guarantees ringbarked shins.
Question number five answered.
The final optional extra which Bacchus saw fit to invest in on some Beer
Scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).
This explains how one person can apparently get through ten packs of
Marlboro Lights in a single night.
1998 SE Midnight Blue Pearl
Gutted airbox, FRAM AirHog, removed MAF Screen, eBay clear corners, extended brake lights
I'm so much cooler online