Lying. It is a timeless art. A craft, really. One which must be cultivated and perfected.

Now we will really analize the properties of a good lie.

Some lies are told just to be silly with no pretense of actually trying to fool anyone.

For instance:

It'* a little known fact that one time I left half my turkey sandwich out on the counter and three days later it attained sentience.

Two years after that, it ran for President. It won.

That sandwich, ladies and gentlemen.....was Ronald Reagan.

OK. That was a blatant lie.

Nobody would ever believe such a crock. Well, somebody might...but I'm pretty sure that guy is busy trying to figure out how to get some of that Nigerian wealth he keeps getting emails about.

See, to make a lie work it has to have some semblance of realism. Or be outrageously stupid, but couched in a way that nobody would want to risk calling your bluff.

For instance, when I was in high school, I took a test for a science class. As a bonus question, we had to name two ways that man can artificially create rain. So I knew about cloud seeding but I couldn't think of another one. So I wrote Indian Rain Dance.

Two days later, when the test were handed out, we went over our answers. Obviously, I didn't get credit for the rain dance thing. So...I raised my hand and said the following:

"I had Indian Rain Dance but you didn't give me credit"

The class giggled and the teacher rolled his eyes. He remarked that of course he didn't give me credit because that was a silly answer.

"Au contraire," I said, attempting to sound intelligent, "in 1968 Utah had a drought that lasted three weeks. The government called in a Navajo tribe to perform a rain dance. Two days later it rained for a week."

There was silence in the class. I could see that the teacher was pretty sure I was full of it...but he didn't want to risk being wrong and looking like an ***.

So...he gave me two points for my answer. My friend leaned toward me and whispered "Really?". "Heck no!", I answered, "I made that up on the fly".

Lesson learned? Never be afraid to bluff authority figures. They never want to risk looking stupid in the off-chance you aren't lying.

Other lies are known to be lies by all parties involved but it is best not to rock the boat.

Like the first time you have sex with your new girlfriend and she tell you that was the best sex she had ever had. Total and complete BS. You know it. She knows it. But you still want to believe it...so you just roll with it and never question it.

Or when she steps on the scale and realizes she has gained fifteen pounds and asks if she looks heavier...and you say "No honey". There are very few lies bigger than that one. You both know it'* a crock, but she wants to feel thin and you want to make sure you still get some sex. So you lie, she smiles, and life goes on.

A really good lie is the kind crafted to divert attention. Never overestimate the tried and true: Hey look! It'* Jesus!

That one always works.

Lies I Have Told

Croutons
I once convinced a vegetarian that croutons were made out of dolphins. She almost threw up the half-eaten salad she was consuming when I threw out this piece of nonsense. Sorry, ex-vegetarian friend.

Gunshot Wound
Once, while drunk, five of us were filled with intoxicated testosterone and began discussing various wounds received during the manly art of combat. One guy showed some scars from where he was stabbed. Attempting to one up him, I claimed to have been shot in the stomach. When pressed for more details, I lifted my shirt and feigned shock that the scar had apparently gone away. Two people continued to believe me. I blame the booze.

Vegetarian Fish
My sister flopped down on the couch next to me as I was eating dinner one night. She reached over to ****** some of my food. In a feeble attempt to stop her, I told her she wouldn't like it because it was vegetarian. I was eating fish. She believed me. Vegetarian fish. I don't really feel too badly about that one, because she shouldn't have believed something so stupid.

Android
When I was in Kindergarten, I convinced one of my classmates that I was an alien robot sent to Earth to monitor him. He cried a great deal. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of choosing to tell this lie on parent'* day. With his mother a mere four feet away, it didn't take long for me to be shown to the hallway and reprimanded sternly. That kid never talked to me again.

Telemarketer
I really hate telephone salesmen. Usually, I look at the caller ID before answering the phone, but in this instance I forgot to check. It was a salesman. A particularly pushy salesman. I suddenly blurted out that I was beginning to bleed from my rectum and probably needed to seek medical care immediately. I hope he didn't have weird nightmares after that. Sorry, phone guy.

Rodeo Clown
During one Christmas season, I bumped into someone I went to high school with. She told me how she went to law school and was now a big lawyer in D.C. At this point, she asked me what I had done since school. I didn't think "jack ****" would be a very good answer. For some reason, I blurted out "rodeo clown". Once it was out there, I knew I was screwed so I had to just go with it. I elaborated on how my life had been in shambles before I began rodeo clowning and how the zen-like calm found within the confines of the barrel has brought me a level of peace I had never know before. You could see the look of pity in her eyes. If I ever see her again, I'm going to tell her I gave it all up to become a private investigator.

Joe Nameth
I convinced some of my friends I knew Joe Nameth. When pressed, I was forced to fake illness so Joe would come meet me. My father gave me a stern lecture about honesty and responsibility. Wait. That wasn't me....that was Bobby Brady. Nevermind.

See. I even tried to tell a lie for that last one.

John...you tell great jokes...

I Never lie

I don't lie because 1.) I have no reason to, 2.) I have a bad memory so I would always get caught, 3.) I have a screaming conscience and would feel bad.

Gotcha..... I know I gotcha... Deny it all you want......

Nope, I wouldn't lie. I would never tell a man he was the best I've ever had UNLESS he WAS the best I'd ever had

Lol Whooo meeeee?

Its sometimes a trigger response with me, but I never lie if I dont ultimately have to

she told me I was the best!