To be issued by the Iowa Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Jonesy'*. It'* a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ***.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry
Point, Cresco, etc.) or we will have to kick your ***.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it'* called
"pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ***-kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ***.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living
here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ***.
6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass strawberries and our Five
Seasons trees made out of metal. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And in Cedar Rapids don't point at the genitalia on Frank and laugh or we'll kick your ***.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ***.
Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven'* sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ***.
9) Don't try to fake an Iowa accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Field of Dreams" because that will incite a riot and you will get your *** kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and Minneapolis and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move your *** on home before it gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn and hogs. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your *** all the way back to Milwaukee.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your *** just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in a
corn field? That'* because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ***.
14) Writing it "Ioway City, Home of the Hogeyes" is NOT a joke.
Your *** will be kicked.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us
how Iowa should "go back to the Indians." This will get your *** shot right after it gets kicked. Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ***.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home.