Guess Walmart is out
Dear Mrs. PontiacMom,
Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against
Mr. PontiacDad are listed below.
Things Mr. PontiacDad has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of con~doms and randomly put
them in people'* carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, Code 3' in housewares.. and watched
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a
bag of M&M'* on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll
bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just
leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used
it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams
"NO! NO! It'* those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no
toilet paper in here!"
Banned for crimes against the Forum