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Join Date: Jan 2005
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Good Humor Monday
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day, he was in a hurry and picked up
his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a
beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and
the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."
An old man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful
wife of 70 years, and many children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
Yesterday I picked up two college girls
who were hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody!"
There once was a religious young woman who
went to Confession. Upon entering the
confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my
boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then
said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse
me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that
smile off of your face."
A married Scotsman went into the confessional and said to his
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Scotsman said, "Well, we got undressed
and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the
same as putting it in. You're not to see that
woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary'* and put $50 in
the poor box."
The Scotsman left the confessional, said
his prayers, and then walked over to the
poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran
over to him saying, "I saw that.You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"
The Scotsman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed
the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that'* the same as putting it in!"
An elderly man goes into a brothel and
tells the madam he would like a young girl for
the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old
I'm 90 years old," he says.
"Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you
realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much
do I owe you?"
A man was just waking up from anesthesia
after surgery, and his wife was sitting by
his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered
open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead
of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off.
Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
Well said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It'* about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
98 SSEi 111,222 miles.
Intense PCM, LS6 Valve springs, PEMS, FWI. Hawk Street Pads.