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Old 06-03-2006, 05:43 PM   #1
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Default Embarrassing....what to do...what to do...

Tonight is my daughter'* high school graduation.

We bought tickets and the dress and everything a couple of months ago to prepare for the big night.

Now, after seeing her last report, I know she will fail and needs to repeat next year.

She doesn't care and is anxious to go and do the grand walk and be with all her friends, etc...

I want to stay home and hide.

My wife wants me to go....or it'* the doghouse for me.

I am not a happy camper

I cannot be proud at all, as she has been a royal pain these last couple of years, defying all attempts to help and guide her.
Her social life is her first priority. Home work...or any work for that matter comes last on her list.
Not to mention she steals from me often (I have to lock doors)....and I give her sooo much.....it hurts baaad.

She has tatooed herself against our wishes.....as well as tongue, nipple and belly piercings....and her room is a disaster zone with clothes everywhere, clean and dirty.

What makes it even worse is that all she needed was a C average to get a free university education and she is blowing it by thinking with her ovaries instead of brain.

.....and it'* her 18th B-day next week. She stole my credit card, racked up over $1500 in bills on E-bay to my surprise (one charge was $400 for a slate Ouiji board from England) so needless to say she will not be getting any gifts from me this year

What would you do

I would really be interested to hear from the younger members.
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Old 06-03-2006, 05:58 PM   #2
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i just turned 18 in feb, and 18, you just want to get out and not be at home. IMO the best thing to do is not try to be the nice guy, although i dont know how it would work out w/ two parents i only have to worry about one. But if she has to go back next year to hs, and has to get that C avarage MAKE HER! She will hate you for it during school, i know, but once shes in college or maybe out of college she will thank you for it... i know for me i made some bad choices but my mom wouldn't let me make anymore... she wouldn't get off my back about my homework and stuff so i had to do it, and i graduated, got accepted to a major university and im actually happy she did that... so thats just my two cents and i hope it helps and i hope you can figure out what to do.
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:15 PM   #3
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im 22. i graduated HS in 2002, and im male. now that you know my qualifications:

i wouldnt go. if i were you, i wouldnt go. her going to graduation when she didnt graduate seems to epitomize her entire problem. its a social gathering for her, not a turning point. if she gets upset, tell her youll go to her graduation when she graduates. until then, shes just playing and you wont support it. [thats what id do. and if wifey nancy had a problem with that, id tell her she needed to re-evaluate what was important to her - the rantings of a teenager or the satisfaction of knowing you did what you felt right]. i think you daughter will probably realise what a screwup this year has been for her when she has to go to high school for another year when most of her social group has moved on without her. you just have to keep her in school for that year. shell make better choices after that, id think.
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:21 PM   #4
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My parents would kill me if I took their credit card(*) from them and bought $1500 worth of stuff! I would've NEVER thought about stealing from them.......NO WAY would that happen.

Does your daughter have any sort of a job? If so, I'd make her repay what she charged on your credit card, plus interest obviously since you'll be paying the interest on it too. If not, make her get a job to pay it back. Just giving her things doesn't teach her anything about the value of things. My parents always made me work for everything I got to learn the value of things, and I completely understood what they were doing and I actually agree with it. As much as I'd like for them to throw money at me, I'm glad they don't. Then when I got my license and they bought me a car I was SHOCKED! I was never expecting that especially since both of my older sisters bought their own. But since I had learned the value of things, I was very appreciative when they did that and believe me they were thanked for it, especially since growing up the only time I got a new toy or whatever was on my birthday or Christmas unless I bought it myself. They even pay for the insurance for 1 of my cars and will do so until I am finished with my schooling...hell, what more can I really ask for? That seems like a lot to me.

As for the tatoos and piercings, I can understand her side, its her body she can do what she wants, but I also understand your side where your the parent who puts food on the table and a roof to live under and while she lives there she should do as you wish. What do you do about punishment when you find out about these tatoo'* and piercings. Obviously the punishment seems worth it to her, otherwise she wouldn't continue to get other piercings and whatnot. So, IMO, rethink the punishment and find something that she wouldn't want to suffer through again.

IMO, I would go to the graduation because it is a big event and if she has to make up a semester next year or in summer school or whatever, she won't have a chance to walk and you won't see it (at least I know at my school you wouldn't be able to walk unless you had to make up a whole year), so I would definately do that. That to me seems like its a very important event for parents and I know in the future you'll regret it even though you're as upset with her right now as you are.

I am not a parent or anything, so I don't have any experience in this, but thats just my $.02. I hope it helps. Keep in mind I'm 18 and graduated last year.
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:56 PM   #5
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i so sorry for you it go like that.
Its hard to comment what to do in those case, something can work for some kind of people and some not.

I would say go with her the graduation, but i would put my foot on the ground after that.
She need to understand that she will have no good future acting like that, and that she need to understand that people work to get what they want,
including school.

The thing is you need to know what will work for her. I know i was not too funny for my mother in the 14-15 years old, she tried everything, when she forced me to work, she send me working on a tree plantation (sorry if its something else in english)
it was erally hard.

after that i begun to understand how hard money is to earn. And with months i understood how my mothers felt. Many years later now im a very quiet and a responsible person.

Some need more time but she will find the right way.

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Old 06-03-2006, 06:57 PM   #6
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We have punished her. It doesn't seem to work. She is almost 18 and doesn't have her license due to it.
She does have a job but at minimum wage it will take a while to pay it off.
She just paid me back the extra $200 she racked up on her cell phone....ya that has been taken away many times for up to two months but eventually she gets it back.

Think about it. Would your parents really kill you. Not!
Last year due to other happenings I don't want to talk about, she was kicked out of the house for two months and lived with a boyfriend. Hurt us more than her.

We have tried everything.
Even Social Services have been involved but they always side with the child.

You can't deny your child of any of the essentials. You can't touch them or mentally abuse them.

Things may be different once she is 18.

Most of the things she ordered are hidden away until she pays for them. She kept the digital camera....in hiding.

There is so much that I was prepared to give her and now not. I thought she was smarter than that. For every $1000 she takes she loses $10000. Now that'* interest.

Looks like I will be going to grad in about 1 hour but I won't be wearing a smile even as pretty as she looks in that gown all made up.

I appreciate your feedback.
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Old 06-03-2006, 07:01 PM   #7
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Remember we even sent her to Boot camp last summer in the hope that would discipline her.
She survived that just fine and had a good time.
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Old 06-03-2006, 07:19 PM   #8
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im sorry, i'm not a parent, but i was raised to never ever do that kind of stuff, like steal from my parents or tatoo my body and things

i've been 18 since may 13th this year, the same day i graduated, and i have learned many things while growing up.....i have learned to save my money, to work hard, and to try my best in school and other things

but the thing is, i've grown up in a rural area in nebraska, and around here, it is much easier to raise a child, and i've learned that working hard is the key to earning money, since i started to work the summer after my 6th grade year....

now if she was my daughter, i would make her stay home until she straightens up....no going out and get crazy or anything, until she gets all of her work done, and make her get a job....sometimes boot camp does nothing for kids...maybe it does, but they dont like to admit to it to try to rebel against and prove to parents that they can not be changed...she may hate you for it, and thats a bad thing too....but staying home all the time would really straighten myself up if i had done things like she had

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Old 06-03-2006, 07:23 PM   #9
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Default Re: Embarrassing....what to do...what to do...

Originally Posted by 2000SilverBullet
What would you do

I would really be interested to hear from the younger members.
I'm going to try and say this without insulting you, but sometimes it takes some harshness to get the message across... so I apologize in advance; as with dbtk2, I'm 18 and graduated high school last year.

Cell phone, throwing money at her, etc, is NOT essentials. All she needs (and deserves right now), at most, is a roof over her head and some food on the table. That'* it. Doing things all gradual probably won't work. As a parent, it'* your CHOICE to have given her all these luxuries - you really don't have to.

The stuff that she ordered - toss it all up for sale, I'm sure some BC members here could use some of it, I guess, depending on what was bought.. After all, YOU just bought all this stuff. Should bring a lesson in irresponsible credit card use. You can also toss up some of her other belongings too... cut off anything that you legally aren't obligated to provide.

She comes back and does these things to you because she knows that she can get away with it. And if she does get punished, all she has to do is wait it out - you'll eventually feel sorry for her and give it all back - and then some. Time to tighten up - it may be tough to say no, but you gotta do it.

Ask yourself: After ALL that she has (or hasn't) done - does she deserve any of what she has? My answer - flat out no. I'm trying to work hard for what I want right now, and I've caught some good breaks, fortunately. My parents have bought me lots of things and tend to throw a $20 bill in my face every now and then - but I make sure not to let them down. I've kept up grades in school (4.0 GPA), and I've found a summer job paying $11/hr, for lots of hours. What my parents say goes - I don't consider it being a mama'* boy or a goodie-goodie - heck, they're paying and giving me so much, the least I can do is to make it all worth it for them. I've learnt the value of a dollar, and it pains me to have to make the 'rents pay for some of my things, but I'm always greatful if they do, because quite frankly, poor students are just that, poor.

Now the thing about punishment - you can't just do it. You gotta make your daughter understand what'* wrong, what'* right, and why the punishment is happening.

Time to get past the 'guilt' and actually solve the problem...
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Old 06-03-2006, 07:28 PM   #10
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You can't touch them or mentally abuse them
Really!?, things have changed since the 90s. But in all seriousness $1500 is insane!!!! As a matter of fact it is grand theft, a felony. If I had ever stole from my parents they woulda had me prosecuted and thrown in juvinille hall.18 or older it woulda been jail.
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