After reading Mr. Collier’* report on getting pepper residue on his hands and touching his junk, swearing off spicy foods, then swearing back on in the same breath, I thought “This guy needs a Jalapeno Cheese Log”! I was going to PM this to him but then realized there are one or two other manly men (and some ladies (not manly ladies though)) on this site that might like to give it a shot, so I decided to give anyone interested an early Christmas present.
Velveeta Mexican style cheese – 1 lb (small box)
Cream cheese – 16 oz package
Finely chopped fresh jalapeños – 1 cup
Chopped fresh green onions – 1 cup
Chopped black olives – 1 cup (1 or 2 small cans)
1. Roll Velveeta between two sheets of wax paper, just like your mom does when she’* making cookies. Roll it evenly until it’* between 1/16-1/8” thick. If it’* too thin it will tear when you roll it, if it’* too thick it will be too “cheesy” tasting.
2. Spread cream cheese somewhat evenly over Velveeta. Tip: put the block of cream cheese in a bowl and nuke it for 20-30 seconds to soften it and make it more spreadable.
3. Thoroughly mix the chopped olives, chopped green onions, and chopped jaleps together and spread evenly over the cream cheese. Tip: jaleps are toxic, especially when you’re chopping ‘em. Make sure the room is well ventilated and do not touch yourself (or anyone else) anywhere until you’ve washed your hands several times! Especially keep your fingers away from your eyes and out of your nose, not to mention other sensitive areas. If you have access to any latex exam gloves, they’re dandy for protecting your hands while chopping the jaleps. If you really want to get your friends thinking, wear a face shield with your exam gloves while chopping your jaleps and they’ll wonder WTH??
4. You’ll need an accomplice for the final phase. While your assistant lifts one end of the wax paper, carefully peel the Velveeta from the wax paper and roll it like a j...uh...newspaper. When you get near the end, lift the wax paper and cheese log and place it on a serving dish or in a baking pan. Roll the log off the wax paper and onto the dish. The one in the picture below isn't as pretty as it could be, but you get the idea.
5. Cover and chill in the fridge for a while. Serve with tortilla chips.
a. This cheese log is a cholesterol bombshell by design. Do not substitute any of the listed ingredients – i.e. don’t use no stinkin’ milquetoast light cream cheese for the regular kind, you’ll be sorry ‘cause it won’t be the same. Light cheese is a violation.
b. Make sure you get Mexican style Velveeta, not the regular kind – it makes a difference.
c. Don’t mix the green stuff in with the melted cream cheese before spreading it on the Velveeta. This sounds like a great idea, but for some reason it doesn’t taste the same. Go ahead and roll your eyes and say “Right. How can that make a difference?”, but trust me it takes something away from the taste. It’* one of the unexplained mysteries of the universe.
d. The jalapenos need to be hot. If you happen to get ahold of a batch of mild jaleps, the result will be disappointing. There is a fine balance between too much heat and too mild however, so don’t overdo the jaleps thinking more is better. You want just enough bite to tell you there’* something in your mouth, but tame enough that the carbohydrates in the cheese can put out the flames. As you may have deduced, there’* no way to be sure you have the balance correct – it’* a crap shoot. Every time you build one it will be slightly different and may be better or worse than last time.
e. When built right, this stuff is highly addictive and even folks who don’t typically like “hot” snacks will come back for another hit. They might not belly up to the dish, but most folks will make several return trips. Collier, on the other hand, might stick the entire cheese log between 2 chips and make a cheese log sandwich. lol!