Certified Car Nut
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: My reclining computer chair
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5 stages of drinking...........
I'm sure some of us have been here at one time or another:
THE FIVE STAGES OF DRINKING
Stage One : It'* 11:00pm, and your friends buy you a round of drinks. Your unemployed friends. You get up to leave, but then you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get seven hours sleep....I'm cool."
Stage Two : It'* midnight, and you've just spent twenty minutes arguing against artificial turf. Right about then a little devil appears on your shoulder, and you look at your watchand think to yourself, "Hey, I'm among my friends, and these are the good times. Besides, as long as I get five hours' sleep.... I'm cool."
Stage Three : It'* 1:00am, and you've switched from beer to tequila. You've just spent twenty minutes arguing in favor of artificial turf. You look around, and say, "That'* about the hottest waitress I've ever seen". On your way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you like his face. You and your friends start having drunken fantasies that, "hey, if we buy our own bar, we can stay together forever". Right about then, you notice that the devil is a bit bigger than he was....and he'* buying. You start to leave, but then squint at your watch and say toyourself, "Hey, as long as I get three hours' sleep---and a complete change of blood....I'm cool."
Stage Four : It'* 2:00am, and the devil is bartending. For last call, you order a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf. On your way to the bathroom, you punch out the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face. You look around, and say, "That'* about the hottest busboy I've ever seen". You finally stagger outside (after being kicked out), when one of your friends says that he knows thewhereabouts of an after-hours bar. You say to yourself, "Hey, since I'm up this late,why, I might as well stay up all night!!!"
Stage Five : It'* 5:00am, and you've just spent twenty minutes trying unsuccessfully to get a refund at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't KNOW anyone named Ruby!!). You're across the state line at a bar where there are people who've been released from prison as late as that same day. This is the kind of bar that even the devil won't touch (Hey, I have to be back in Hell at 9 for brunch with Hitler; see ya). You're drinking some thick blue liquid that looks like something from a Romulan wedding reception. You see the waitress, with fresh stitches in her head, and say, "I'm gonna marry her". Just then, one of your friends stands up and screams, "We're drivin' to Florida!!!", then passes out. As you crawl out of the bar, you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get twenty-nine hours' sleep tomorrow....I'm cool."
After crawling outside, you experience the worst part of Stage Five:
The sun shining down at you, frying your eyes like you're a vampire taking too long getting back to the coffin. By this time, other people are on their way to work, and they look down at you and see the sorry state you're in...and they know. "Who'* Ruby?", they ask as they give you their spare change.
This is when you utter the Drinkers' Credo; say it with me now:
"I SWEAR THAT I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN," (for how long??)
"AS LONG AS I LIVE!"
Some of the die-hards even have a small postscript:
"And this time, I really mean it!"
1999 Metallic Navy Blue SSEi