Well, I just spent the better part of 2 hours f**king with the car, and I think it'* possessed...
Here'* a run-down of what I tried:
Remove and check both cables from battery -- positive was a little corroded, not too bad, but I cleaned it off anyway
Removed and checked every one of the "maxi-fuses" (fusible links) -- all good. All fuses good too
Poked and pried at both battery cables to make sure everything seemed tight (it did) and checked battery output -- 13 volts at the posts. Checked main ground for continuity -- OK
At this point, for laughs I pushed the lock button on the remote and it honked at me. WOW! Maybe I fixed it!
Jumped in the car, put the key in the ignition, and turned it to start. The engine started to crank over, then nothing. And it held onto the key like before.
At this point, I disconnected the battery again, fooled around with the cables some more, put it back together, and got a little bit of a spark as I connected the negative cable to the battery (did positive first). Again, the car responded through the remote with lock/unlock but nothing with the ignition. Not even a click this time.
At this point I hooked up the jumper cables to my Astro and let it take a charge for about 15 minutes. I left the car door open, but at no time did the interior light come on and nothing else in the car indicated that there was any voltage present. The Astro was putting out well over 15 volts and I confirmed voltage levels at the posts on the Buick so I know the jumpers were doing their thing. I tried to start it one more time and still nothing so I closed everything up and came home to post this.
As a last thing before I drove away, I hit the "lock" button on the remote and the horn peeped at me as if nothing was wrong. Still being easily fooled by its sick game, I jumped out of the van and tried to unlock the car to try one more time but the remote would not respond.
It seems to muster up the energy to do one thing and one thing only every once in a while, but nothing else.
I'm ready to bail on this thing. Very frustrating...
Does anybody have any insight? If it might be the ignition switch, is there a way I can test it to know? I priced a new one @ $85 at the FLAPS, and the module is $141. I'm not in a position to go spending big chunks of money on a blind search...